Taking the stairs, Day 3
Or: The Re-emergence of the Re-curring anxiety dream

Since the incident in my building's elevator on Tuesday, I've been taking the stairs up and down from my apartment, in the hopes that my elevator anxiety dreams would not resurface.

The irony is, of course, that those dreams are completely about my fear of loss of control, and tend to resurface in circumstances a lot like I've been experiencing lately. Actually, I'm beginning to attribute my relative calm during the real-life incident to the fact that the experience was somewhat "old hat" for me, psychologically.

Last night I had my dream again, despite my precautions. In it, I'm going down in my building's elevator for my first trip since it failed on Tuesday (i.e., I'm trusting that it won't fail again). When it begins falling, exactly as it did on Tuesday, my thoughts are simply, "It figures."

Some people get a morning coffee

I've had recurring anxiety dreams about being in falling or otherwise unstable elevators for as long as I can remember. After a young lifetime of this, I finally developed something of a phobia of the elevator experience, only to overcome that when I moved out on my own and into a 14^th floor apartment.

Then, of course, come the days where the elevator acts up.

On this morning's elevator ride from my 9^th floor apartment to the building's lobby, I and 5 other passengers got our daily reality-check when the car we were in fell from the 3^rd floor — apparently hitting the emergency stops at each floor — to the lowest floor (3 below ground).

Around the third floor, the floor indicator light stopped working and there was a noticeable, rapid descent. I remember hearing a muffled thud, accompanied by a slowing, about 4 times, and when the doors opened, we were on level P3. The woman beside me whimpered every time we heard a thud, which struck me as odd for the simple reason that it meant that the failsafes were working.

The only concern I had for my own mortality came about when I was disappointed that, if this were to be It, I'd be dying with complete strangers.

So, any way, it looks like I'm going to be taking the stairs up the apartment henceforth, not because I'm worried about a recurrence, but because I don't want to provide fodder for more phobic dreams. My cardiovascular health is going to be pretty spectacular.

Weathering the storm

I'm not trying to shut people out.

I've been having a very difficult time sorting out my life over the past few months. Just when I think I've addressed an issue, another few pop up to keep things interesting (and exasperating). It's been very tiring and I must confess that I've been compelled to withdraw from my social life — for a wealth of reasons, really, but mostly because the effort involved in discussing what's going on would take a lot out of me. I haven't been completely isolating myself, and those who've been helping have been...well, I think "profoundly influential" applies here.

Also, work was deadline-heavy this week (and yet, no relief in sight). I'm stressed and a little underslept as a result — never a good state to be in, to deal with life's messes.

Things you think about when you have "cold feet"...
...'cause apparently, no one talks about the doubts, but it's simultaneously completely normal...

• Do I believe there is one person "meant" exclusively for me?


• If so, how do I know this is "the one"?


• If not, am I simply getting married now because "it's time"?


• What other reasons do I have for wanting to get married? Are any of them valid reasons to get married now and to this person?


• What can this person bring to my life on a daily basis, that I would otherwise be unable to achieve?


• What will I have to "leave behind"?


• Will I have to change into someone else? What if I don't like who I become?


• How much of a mess will I be making if I back out now?


• Under what circumstances would I consider a divorce/separation?


• How can I expect someone to be around "'til death", when there's no way of knowing what life is going to throw my way?


• Do any of these questions floating around in my head mean that this is the wrong choice for me?


• How do I remain both objective and emotionally sensitive on this issue?


• Am I approaching this in full self-awareness (or at least as much as I'm capable of being in right now)?

My socks, they are knocked off

Naturally 7 - In the Air Tonight (live)

Frou Frou's Let Go

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without you
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

transcription: lyrics007.com

Again, with much gratitude

Many thanks to everyone who wrote or called in with their opinions regarding marriage. I find I keep having to fight my naive, starry-eyed wishes for an "easy" and "simple" relationship, despite the fact that I know such a relationship: (a) doesn't exist; and (b)probably wouldn't be emotionally satisfying any way. Or something.

But even if it were...

...it's not like I make sh*t up when I have PMS

Holy, schizophrenic much?

Of course

It might be PMS

Well, that was short-lived...
...cold feet: Day 1

What if I'm making the mistake this time?

I'm gonna poll the married people in the "audience" for their opinions this time out, I think.

They're really not kidding when they say life is a roller-coaster, huh, kids?

Balanced

I'm coming to terms with the fact that the issues I have will never be fully "put away", as I hoped they could, but hope that I'll be able to deal with them progressively better whenever they pop up in the future.

I'm feeling like my "old" self again, the me I've been for most of the past 7-ish years, when a good many of you first asserted your presence in my life (something which I can't possibly express my full gratitude for). Here's to sharing the journey with me. Cheers.

Waiting for the storm...

Little known fact about me: I get barometric pressure migraines. Em has posited that people are afflicted in one of two ways:

1. People who tend to have headaches and find stomach aches unbearable


2. People who tend to have stomach aches and find headaches unbearable

I fall into the latter category, and woke up with one today.

It doesn't always happen before rain or snow, but I will get migraines up to several days before precipitation is going to fall. My barometric pressure migraines follow a particular M.O.:

• They're persistent. The intensity of the migraine will wane, but will inexplicably reassert its presence, in a sharp, stabbing sensation.


• Painkillers don't help. They do help me relax enough that I'm not distracting by the pain, but I'm still aware of the migraine's presence. I often opt out of taking painkillers if the migraine's intensity doesn't flair up often.


• Sleeping or napping rarely eliminates the migraine. I'll usually wake up with the same migraine I went to bed with.


• They can make me hyper-sensitive to light. This occurs rarely, mercifully.


• Strong, perfumy smells seems to aggravate them. I'm much better at processing fruity smells than floral smells, for some reason.


• Rain or snow doesn't necessarily have to fall for the migraine to pass. This is why I refer to them as barometric pressure headaches.

I've yet to be rid of this one, but The Weather Network assures me that snow will fall tonight.

Jam Thumbprints

Are yummy.

It's just a moment, this time will pass

Tim says that life is about the moments.

So much of your time is spent flitting about in a half-frenzy, getting to and from your place of work, accomplishing your tasks and chores, performing according to the challenges you or others have set. It all melts into this indistinguishable blur of what you've done and what you've yet to do. The hours start to mean nothing, then days, then months. Eventually, years of being productive fly past without much to punctuate them.

And then...

Well, and then, you're out performing your monotonous tasks and bump into a good friend you haven't seen in a while, who doesn't have to say anything to remind you that there's more to life than simply doing. That it's actually about experiencing. And you feel that much better about the plans you made to enjoy someone else's company and unwind.

So you go, and to prolong the fact that you're just existing with somebody you care about, you find a secluded spot that's somehow, now, just perfect despite the fact that it wasn't really noteworthy the last time you were there. And you had forgotten how fulfilling just being could be.

There's a tinge of bittersweet, because you know this moment in time can't last forever. Still, there's comfort in knowing it can be more, because your heart and your mind will only add to it.

P.S. The great thing about devastating lows is that eventually, the pendulum swings back around and allows for the dizzying highs. I've been managing the mess — with help — and am starting to feel a lot more "at peace" than I have in a very long time. A big thanks to everyone who contributed.

Henry Fuller's Epiphany

"I laugh at the stars and the houses and I laugh at the last month and the last year and the last sixteen years, and it's all just too hilarious to stop. It's too absurd. I am so sick and tired of trying to make sense of it. Bill just sits there smiling. I could explain it to him and I will after, but you can't explain it. You just feel it. You could laugh or you could cry, like they say, or you could gouge out your eyes with garden shears and stagger blindly in rebellion. But it seems a little impractical. So you learn to yawn, I guess. Not in blindness, but in clarity. In such lucidity that to get hung up on details is endlessly, riotously funny."

Lerman, Drew 2007 Magic City p. 315