Things you think about when you have "cold feet"...
...'cause apparently, no one talks about the doubts, but it's simultaneously completely normal...
- Do I believe there is one person "meant" exclusively for me?
- If so, how do I know this is "the one"?
- If not, am I simply getting married now because "it's time"?
- What other reasons do I have for wanting to get married? Are any of them valid reasons to get married now and to this person?
- What can this person bring to my life on a daily basis, that I would otherwise be unable to achieve?
- What will I have to "leave behind"?
- Will I have to change into someone else? What if I don't like who I become?
- How much of a mess will I be making if I back out now?
- Under what circumstances would I consider a divorce/separation?
- How can I expect someone to be around "'til death", when there's no way of knowing what life is going to throw my way?
- Do any of these questions floating around in my head mean that this is the wrong choice for me?
- How do I remain both objective and emotionally sensitive on this issue?
- Am I approaching this in full self-awareness (or at least as much as I'm capable of being in right now)?
posted by ghanima @ 7:19 pm
5 comments
5 Comments:
Doubts are definitely normal. This is a huge life decision and if you didn't entertain doubts, then I'd just say you haven't really thought it through.
This seems like a pessimistic set of questions in general though. How about some more?
Would I like my life as much without them?
Would I miss them if they were gone?
Do I want to spend my life making them happy?
Am I happy when I'm with them?
Yeah, 'cause what I really need is more questions! :P
Also, I'm not entirely sure that simply throwing the word "happy" about in a question means it's an optimistic question. I'm not saying you haven't raised some valid questions, I'm just saying that your implication that they're less pessimistic than the ones I posed isn't necessarily accurate.
Change is scary... big change is very scary... and there are few changes bigger than tying your life to someone else's in theory for the rest of your days (because let's be completely realistic... the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but not every marriage works out. Sad, but true, whether it's an "option" for you personally or not).
So... cold feet and doubts are totally normal. And as Kevin said, if you didn't have questions you'd kind of have to wonder if you'd really thought it through.
If you want to chat, I'm more than willing to be an extra set of ears (with or without feedback, because I totally recognize the validity of just needing to air the thoughts without wanting advice or having to deal with the person on a regular basis ;) ). Engaged twice, married once, and well familiar with doubts and chilly toes.
So here's a question for you... are you questioning the decision because you're questioning the decision? Or are you questioning the decision because despite efforts to avoid all the 'traditional' hoopla it's still turning out to be a 'big deal'? (asking as someone who's completely out of the loop in this case... but it's a pretty common cause for stress of various sorts)
Anyhoo... if you want a sympathetic, but impartial set of ears, you know people who know how to put you in touch.
I would like to add a couple of things as well - if I may.
I talk to people everyday who are going through relationship probelms and separations and divorces (literally - after all it is my job).
And there are a few common themes around what people DIDN'T think about or talk about before getting married that are at the root of their current strife.
So some things that I would suggest you do need to be thinking about - and talking together about are as follows:
1. I think you should both make the following lists and compare, and discuss.
What are your deal breakers (things you absolutely will not agree to or live with) most people include infidelity on this list.
What are your must haves? Things you will choose not to live without, and require from your partner regularly.
What are your can't stands? As in things that you currently don't like or can't stand about your partner. Can be little annoying things like leaving dishes in the sink until the next day or bigger things like - makes fun of other people, to boost own ego.
2. expect that your partner will not change once you get married, but stay the same, become more ingraned in his/her habbits - wether they're the ones you like or the ones you hate. Expect that some of things you find "cute" and "eccentric" now will gorw to relaly bug you later. And talk about how you're going to work together through these types of conflicts.
3. most people seem to ski a conversation about children, how many, when, etc. And people who do have that part of the conversation, seem to skip the part about parenting styles - how you want to raise your children, etc.
4. I think the most inportnat conversation to have is setting rules about how you will communicate/argue together.
I agree with both Kevin and Ruth - doubts means that you're taking this seriously - which is exactly what you should be doing. But I think the person you need to be discussing this the most with is your partner.
Ok, enough of my ranting - I know that my standpoint is not expereince onj a personal level, but rather training/theory and vicarious expereince, but I hope it might be helpful to you.
And I am also available as a listening ear or and advice giving mouth - wichever you would like, whenever you want.
I'm sending you a virtual pair of wolly socks, too... for the cold feet ;) (I thought a little humour was needed... believe me, I'm not making light of the situation)
Hope you're doing ok.
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