Dammit.

I was hoping that Kara wouldn't get her first cold until after she at least understood English enough to know that we were doing all we could for her. The fact that this is a fever just sucks.

Update: A visit to North York General Hospital's Emergency Room last night for diagnosis confirmed that our girl has a urinary tract infection. She'll be on antibiotics until her 3-month birthday, and we have a follow-up appointment to go to tomorrow.

Me and my white, white baby



The running gag around here is that the Filipino nanny is a little too familiar with that adorable little girl's daddy.

In other news, Kara fell asleep in her swinging chair yesterday, and completely on her own — fuss-free — after a feeding today!

Settling down



For almost 10 weeks, it was tough-going: any time Kara wasn't being held by someone — asleep or awake — she started crying almost instantly. As the weeks went by, she became capable of lying on any of her change mats for long enough to have her diaper changed. Otherwise, she would cry until she was picked up again and soothed. This resulted in an elaborate routine between Matt and I of spelling one another off to do our various required tasks for the day.

When Matt returned to work just after Kara turned 3 weeks of age, simple things like having to go pee became a choice between accomplishing a minor — if necessary — task or having the baby have her emotional needs met. I just had to learn to resign myself to the fact that Kara was going to cry inconsolably for several periods during the day so that I could find time to brush my teeth, eat, use the washroom and wash my hands. Obviously, this wasn't an easy choice for a first-time mom to make.

I'm pleased to say now, however, that as of last Friday, Kara has taken to being able to sit in her bouncy chair, her swinging chair, or lie in her crib for long enough to be able to let me do these menial tasks. As of yesterday afternoon, Kara has even been capable of staying asleep in her crib! Yesterday, Kara took a two-hour nap in her crib and awoke calmly. She's currently on her second crib-nap for the day. For now, I've chosen to reinforce the positive attitude she's taken to being on her own by picking her up again just as she begins to fuss, rather than waiting for her to get upset. Still, this is obviously a drastic improvement when compared to her level of independence until now and I can't help but do a little victory dance (or type blog entries) when I put her in her crib.

While I still consider Kara a fussy baby, this recent change in her disposition will no doubt result in a drastic change to our lives around the house, I'm pleased to say. Also, for as much of a frustrating experience as figuring one another out can be, there's no denying that — with each change we share towards her growth — this is the most rewarding experience I've ever undertaken.

Life as a mom



Kara will be two months old this Friday and I've got to say that becoming a parent is the most difficult and stressful thing I've ever undertaken. Everyone who says that nothing can prepare you for it is also right.

Physically, I've been having what I can only assume is an average experience for someone who's given birth (although — joy of joys — my body seems to have made the oddball choice of resuming a light menstruation cycle despite the fact that I'm breastfeeding). It's been exhausting. I have no idea how the women who develop complications during the healing process manage to find the energy to feed the child, never mind do anything else.

Emotionally, I've run the gamut from being excited that I finally have the baby I've wanted for as long as I can remember, to wondering why it is that I'm taking care of a nondescript lump of flesh that looks disturbingly like my husband, and back to eagerly anticipating the person she'll be in ten years, or two, or tomorrow.

Mentally, this has been incredibly difficult. Knowing that my emotional state has been hugely influenced by rapidly changing hormones makes me suspect that any negativity I feel is simply biologically-induced. I've been dismayed at how comparatively little support I've gotten in relation to what support I thought I'd have, then adamant about pulling through any way. I've been disheartened at how weak the communication between Matt and I can be (especially when we're this sleep-deprived), then grateful for the ways he takes on responsibilities to make things less stressful for me.

Overall, it seems to all be a completely normal experience as a new mother. Still, I am currently completely mystified as to how anyone does this more than once. I can only assume that, as things get easier, they get much easier. Regardless, two months (and counting!) is a long time for me to be in a sleep-deprived and emotionally unstable place. I think I'll probably have to do a great deal of mulling things through before I decide whether or not to have more children.