It's that dream where I'm witnessing the tornado touch down...

Some days, it's all I can do to string together two words that are a)coherent and b)don't sound hard and cold. I think back on how I used to behave, socially, and long for that easy, mildy-tactless charm again. I've become withdrawn. It can be an effort to talk to the people I'm closest to. Some of the time, I don't bother. I think it's time I started making an effort to explain:

Medically
As I've been hinting for a while, I've been undergoing medical testing for much of this year. For the past several weeks (after receiving a third opinion), I've debated sharing this information with the general public via my blog, and decided that awareness can only help. While the results aren't all in yet — I'm to be tested for adult-onset Diabetes shortly — I likely have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. In a nutshell, my hormones are behaving oddly, and this might lead to complications with fertility. For those of you who know me well, you'll not be surprised to learn that it's been quite a blow to be informed that bearing children might be difficult for me.

For the men in the audience, the lady-parts testing that comes with having a fertility-related medical issue is fun like drinking a bucket of hot coals.

Rather than attempt hormone-therapy, I've opted to try (more) to lose weight, as this has been known to rectify the issue for some people. Apparently, the reason I haven't been losing weight is because my diet has been too carbohydrate-heavy for my condition. Since adjusting my meals to include more protein, fruits and vegetables, I think I've noticed a difference. The irony is, of course, that I'm effectively down to two food groups now.

Matrimonially
Matt has been working very hard to be understanding. In terms of emotional support, he (as I suspect most Y-chromosomed individuals would) has fallen short with unfortunate frequency, on this and previous issues I've had to deal with this year. The fact that we're newlyweds — that I feel I'm "supposed" to be experiencing one of the most blissful periods of my existence — makes my feelings regarding my marriage rather dismal. I want to make it clear that I'm not bashing Matt here, I'm just airing my feelings about how this segment of my life has been causing me stress. We've both been putting a lot of work into our relationship to try to make it through this, but I admit that I'm not much feeling up to having to work on this too.

Professionally
All of the medical testing I've undergone means that I've taken an unusually high number of days off work, since starting at the beginning of May. Unfortunately, none of the time I've taken off has been for anything remotely relaxing (excepting the past two days, which were overtime hours I've been trying to collect on for the past month, at least). Frankly, I could write reams about why I don't think I'll be staying on at Scholastic, but I'll spare you the details and me the aggravation (for this post, any way).

Basically, I feel that my managers are doing a poor job of understanding that the job itself can be quite stressful, and to have that stress while my marriage and medical health are also causing me anxiety is not welcome. They've also effectively given me shit for taking so much time off ('cause it's been such a party, all my "vacation" time).

Socially
As mentioned above, I've been feeling increasingly withdrawn, and have been questioning why I'm becoming so. I think I probably need the time to readjust to the circumstances I feel I've been slammed with, and I'm trying to keep myself from withdrawing to the point where I lose contact with the people who matter to me. I know that a lot of you are there for me to talk to, if I need it, but I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.

Thank you, 'though, for mostly being a bright spot as life is going for me lately. I'll do my best not to alienate you in an emotionally-exhausted upheaval of everything I still have left.