Sunday, September 02, 2007

It's that dream where I'm witnessing the tornado touch down...

Some days, it's all I can do to string together two words that are a)coherent and b)don't sound hard and cold. I think back on how I used to behave, socially, and long for that easy, mildy-tactless charm again. I've become withdrawn. It can be an effort to talk to the people I'm closest to. Some of the time, I don't bother. I think it's time I started making an effort to explain:

As I've been hinting for a while, I've been undergoing medical testing for much of this year. For the past several weeks (after receiving a third opinion), I've debated sharing this information with the general public via my blog, and decided that awareness can only help. While the results aren't all in yet — I'm to be tested for adult-onset Diabetes shortly — I likely have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. In a nutshell, my hormones are behaving oddly, and this might lead to complications with fertility. For those of you who know me well, you'll not be surprised to learn that it's been quite a blow to be informed that bearing children might be difficult for me.

For the men in the audience, the lady-parts testing that comes with having a fertility-related medical issue is fun like drinking a bucket of hot coals.

Rather than attempt hormone-therapy, I've opted to try (more) to lose weight, as this has been known to rectify the issue for some people. Apparently, the reason I haven't been losing weight is because my diet has been too carbohydrate-heavy for my condition. Since adjusting my meals to include more protein, fruits and vegetables, I think I've noticed a difference. The irony is, of course, that I'm effectively down to two food groups now.

Matt has been working very hard to be understanding. In terms of emotional support, he (as I suspect most Y-chromosomed individuals would) has fallen short with unfortunate frequency, on this and previous issues I've had to deal with this year. The fact that we're newlyweds — that I feel I'm "supposed" to be experiencing one of the most blissful periods of my existence — makes my feelings regarding my marriage rather dismal. I want to make it clear that I'm not bashing Matt here, I'm just airing my feelings about how this segment of my life has been causing me stress. We've both been putting a lot of work into our relationship to try to make it through this, but I admit that I'm not much feeling up to having to work on this too.

All of the medical testing I've undergone means that I've taken an unusually high number of days off work, since starting at the beginning of May. Unfortunately, none of the time I've taken off has been for anything remotely relaxing (excepting the past two days, which were overtime hours I've been trying to collect on for the past month, at least). Frankly, I could write reams about why I don't think I'll be staying on at Scholastic, but I'll spare you the details and me the aggravation (for this post, any way).

Basically, I feel that my managers are doing a poor job of understanding that the job itself can be quite stressful, and to have that stress while my marriage and medical health are also causing me anxiety is not welcome. They've also effectively given me shit for taking so much time off ('cause it's been such a party, all my "vacation" time).

As mentioned above, I've been feeling increasingly withdrawn, and have been questioning why I'm becoming so. I think I probably need the time to readjust to the circumstances I feel I've been slammed with, and I'm trying to keep myself from withdrawing to the point where I lose contact with the people who matter to me. I know that a lot of you are there for me to talk to, if I need it, but I don't think I'm ready for that just yet.

Thank you, 'though, for mostly being a bright spot as life is going for me lately. I'll do my best not to alienate you in an emotionally-exhausted upheaval of everything I still have left.

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At Sun Sep 02, 09:15:00 am GMT-4, Blogger Emma said...


At Tue Sep 04, 01:59:00 pm GMT-4, Blogger celtic_kitten said...


I know we don't know each other all that well, but I wanted to let you knowa few things:

- adult onset Diabetes is a pain in the ass, but totally manageable if it's caught early. And since you haven't said anything about meds, I'm guessing it was caught early.

- likewise, PCOS is not a sterility sentence by any stretch! I know (unfortunately) many many women facing this diagnosis (I'm sure you know some, too)... and (fortunately this time) I know lots who triumph over it and have kids of their own.

- for dietary consideration... I've heard (from gals facing both conditions individually and separately) that the "Insulin Resistance Diet" is far more varied and satisfying than most based on Glycemic Index... you might consider looking into it for low carb options that still let you have some starch occasionally ;)

- The first year of marriage is probably the most stressful at the best of times. Even if you've lived together beforehand, there are certain expectations that may or may not have been voiced (or even recognized) beforehand tht come into play and add stress. That includes the belief that the "newlywed period" will last for a year and reduce all problems to complete insignificance. Keep fighting... when things settle down (and eventually they'll settle down), it's worth the effort (at least in my experience... heck, our first year of marriage saw a flooded basement, the insurance claim from hell, a car crash, trying to coordinate events with two sets of family close enough to be commutable, but far enough away to be a pain, personal angst, idiots, and financial stress... but now we're closing in on our 4th anniversary and things have settled down quite nicely! We still drive each other crazy sometimes... but over all I haven't killed him yet, so that's a good sign *laugh*)

I hope things settle down to some smooth sailing for you soon!

At Wed Sep 05, 10:14:00 am GMT-4, Anonymous Kevin said...

Just throwing in my 2 cents to say that we're here when you need us. Maybe we need to do some married people stuff like have a dinner party or go on a double date or something. Our summer seems to have come and gone so quickly, booked up with all sorts of group events, so we never really got to spend any individual time with people. Perhaps it's time we started...

At Thu Sep 06, 01:20:00 am GMT-4, Blogger Caty said...

Random thoughts
by: Caty

Sometimes it feels like life has kicked you in the nuts. Then you realize that you don't even have nuts. (I'm sure there's some profound poetic wisdom in there somewhere.)

Watch the video of the whistling doggy when you're sad. Sounds like some sort of weird Confucius saying. You know, if they had videos back then.


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